It Definitely Sucks to Be Alone
by BonesxBreak
Summary: Kyouko/Sayaka.  Madoka wonders how Sayaka is doing, and Homura tells her... It's not exactly good news.  Rated T


Returning from an "Excellent Adventure," Madoka misses Sayaka, and wonders how she's doing in the next life with Kyoko... Naturally, Homura poops all over her party.

My take on Kyouko/Sayaka... isn't very cheerful.

* * *

They walked across vacant lot after vacant lot, down innumerable dimly lit streets, hand in hand. It took forever and a day to get back to Madoka's house from the outskirts of Mitakihara.

"What's on your mind?" It hadn't taken very much intuition for Homura to realize that something was bothering the usually cheerful girl - the prolonged silence was telling enough. She stopped them, and turned to face her expectantly.

"Nothing, really... Well, just that lately, I wonder how Sayaka is... wherever she is. And, more and more, I think about how her and Kyoko-chan might have been good friends, if... well, just,_ if._ Even though I know they seemed to hate each other, I really believe that if they had the time... a chance... maybe... well, maybe they already are friends, wherever they are now... Maybe they're together in heaven, and-"

"That's entirely impossible," Homura answered without thinking. "You... shouldn't worry about it." She looked away and resumed walking.

"I... I don't understand... Homura-chan? What... what do you mean by that...?" Madoka asked as she jogged to catch up. To clarify her statement, Homura transformed and reached into her shield.

She opened her closed fist before Madoka's frightened eyes, revealing shards of red glass, inconsistent in size and shape.

"What is there to misunderstand? Kyoko Sakura died. The embodiment of her Soul was shattered in what must have been a massive explosion. This is all that remains of her existence."

She pulled a single Grief Seed from the shield as well, and raised it to Madoka's face.

"...Homura... that's-"

"For whatever reason, I was deeply disturbed by the nature of Kyoko's demise... I went back there, and... collected every trace of her Soul Gem, down to the nanoscopic level. I found... this... at the same time... This is what's left of Sayaka Miki: she is equally lost, although in a completely different way."

"A... a Grief Seed...?"

"I naively thought that I could help them - both of them. That Kyoko's Soul might be reparable. That Sayaka's condition might be reversible. There might be a way, I just had to find it myself." She smiled sadly at the memory. "Just the thought of saving them gave me... hope... And, I... I honestly wanted to believe that I could have been wrong about Puella Magi being doomed from the moment they made their wish... Reason dictates that whatever can be broken should have the capacity to be fixed, and that which has been tainted, the capacity to be purified. Usually, the only problem with fixing broken things is that we can't figure out how to do it. I sincerely tried... I did almost anything I thought could have helped... only to confirm what I'd already accepted. It was... a waste."

Ignoring Madoka's horrified expression, she returned the remnants of Kyoko to the infinite confines of her shield. _At least she had a decent grave._..

"Their souls exist on two completely separate planes of existence; they will never meet again. Sayaka, is here right now, alive in my hand; she's even somewhat aware of her surroundings. You wondered how she's been doing, correct? Her turbulent emotions are radiating out from her Grief Seed and pouring into me. She hates us. Hates you, infinitely more. She resents herself for whatever it was that she said to you before she 'died,' but... she resents you all the more for making her words true. She no longer has the emotive capacity for happiness, or love... She can only feel heartbreak, inadequacy, remorse, hatred, and anger."

Madoka felt numb. Pins and needles pricked at her skin, all over, as more of Homura's words washed over her, threatening to take her sanity away.

"She wishes that she was never born... that she never met you... that she died a long time ago, or that she died on a Witch Hunt. Anything would be better the pitiful fate she has now. She wishes that you were never born, that you never associated with her, that you would kill yourself, and that she could kill you right now - after all, she was only contracted because of you. She really had almost no potential... it was purely because of her relationship with you that she was a convenient, additional contract for Kyubey. She clings to the hope that she can avenge herself, with the suffering of everyone she saved through her selflessness."

Madoka felt sick. Her knees certainly could not support the weight of Homura's words as each individual sentence hit home, far harder than she could handle. Her stomach twisted and turned at the confirmation that everything was indeed, her fault.

"Conversely, Kyoko Sakura exists only in our memories of her. Her Soul... the personification of her actual, literal Soul, was obliterated. How could she be anywhere, anymore? How could she be in 'Heaven,' enjoying Sayaka Miki's company, when Sayaka is actually here, begging me to abuse her Grief Seed and revive her again... to free her, so that she can murder us? Shall I, to prove it...?"

"...S-stop...just... please..."

Madoka sank to her knees, heavy tears finally beginning to fall. Homura knelt to join her, regretting that she'd said anything.

"W-why...?" She choked, head in hands. Homura did her best to console her, and before long, Madoka was crushing the older girl in a desperate hug. "Why her... ? Why them...? Why... us...?"

Homura said nothing, now stubbornly refusing to return her embrace. How could she? _Why didn't I just leave her to think everything would be okay, even if we all died...?_

"It's too... it's too cruel... it's... not...right..."

"...I know... I..."

_I'm sorry._

* * *

I awoke to the dull aching of every fiber of my being. Almost immediately, I could tell that I should have been in much more pain than that, and silently thanked whatever was taking the edge off of it.

I groaned, and propped myself up on my elbows._ I said_, **_I groaned, and propped myself up on my elbows..._**

Rather, I would have, but, I couldn't. It felt like I could, it felt like I had already performed the action without delay, but I didn't. Somehow, I couldn't even open my eyes. Everything was wrong with this. I was further paralyzed by an overwhelming fear... of what? I wasn't sure.

My thoughts felt far away, and dark... clouded. Almost like the thoughts at the front of my mind were at the back, the thoughts at the back: non-existent. Somewhere inside, I had both the strength, and the force of will to move and breathe, but something stronger was preventing it.

The simple fact that I was neither able to move, nor breathe, inevitably brought me to the knowledge that I'd..._died_...

I was dead. That was why.

The instant I remembered some of what happened, I slowly began _sinking_.

It was terrifying. Immobilized, and unable open my eyes or scream in protest... I just _sank. _

_Oh God... Oh no... _

Just then, I recalled hearing in Church that suicide was a mortal sin... as were other things that landed me here indirectly, wherever _here _was. I wanted to cry, but of course, I couldn't.

More than anything, I wished I could just fade away into eternal unconsciousness... I couldn't remember why I'd done what I'd done, because what did it matter now?

I wanted to pray... but, how hypocritical would that be? I hadn't prayed once... Not once, since father... Not until Sayaka...

I wondered how many people had found themselves like this, and began to pray... what could that possibly do, besides prove what a worthless creature you were?

In spite of the slow pace, it didn't take long before the _sinking_ became_ falling_... As I slipped beneath whatever surface I'd been laying on, I felt the pit of my stomach drop from an insane amount of gravitational force, pulling me down.

I just wanted to _diediedie_. Really die. Not endure more of this shit. This horrifying, permanent discomfort and helplessness...was unbearable.

The sound of my landing might have been sickening, had another soul been around to judge it - I only felt the pressure, and heard a dull, muted _thud_.

I couldn't really perceive time, but nothing else happened for what seemed like much, much too long... and I was terrified again.

_This...can't be all._... Who says it can't?

_Is this...really all there is...? Forever? Dead senses, dead thoughts... the misery, of being alone... forever... oh God...  
_

Finally, I remembered more... It seemed like infinity had passed since _"It...sucks to be alone..."_ happened. I didn't even remember how to speak, or what my name was, at this point._  
_

At least I remembered why I died.

_Yeah, it definitely sucks to be alone. _

_It sucks... _

_So, why... Why the fuck am I all alone here?_

It was a dishonest thought... I knew it didn't really matter that I was alone... just that I wasn't with her.

* * *

This is what happens when a chapter is giving me serious trouble... I give up, and go off and write something almost completely unrelated... -_-

Hmm, I dunno if I'll end up continuing this, although it does seem to me like it could have more to it... to anyone following my other story, I apologize for the wait... I've started chapter 15 over THREE TIMES now...its been giving me absolute hell. =|

Reviews/criticism would be appreciated.


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